Cactus

Cacti are all prickly on the outside and soft and edible and whatever on the inside. They're often used as analogies for people, surly people who are just guarded because they've had unpleasant experiences, but are really genuinely nice people when you get to know them.

I'm probably the opposite of a cactus. I'm not prickly at first. I don't really know how I come across, but I doubt it's as someone who has a lot of pent-up secrets and anger.

The truth is, I'm pissed. I'm so mad at the universe, at God, at Fate, Destiny, whatever random series of events that brought me to this place of fear. I'm so scared, all the time. I overanalyze every single thing that is said to me, because I feel like maybe this time I can guess what's going to happen next, and stop it. Maybe this time I can predict the future, prevent it, and save myself from further harm. Being scared is exhausting. There is no relaxation when you're ever vigilant. My nerves and emotions are shot. I sometimes think I should ask for help, but asking for help makes you so vulnerable. It's admitting that you're too weak to do it all on your own, and weaknesses can be exploited.

I've explicitly asked for help with my current situation twice. Once to an old friend, who made me feel like asking for help was a sign of strength. He gave me hope. He's one of those people who does so much more than he  realizes, just by being  himself and being inexplicably wise for his years. The second time I asked for help I was brushed off. I probably picked an inconvenient time to ask, or maybe phrased it incorrectly; but the response of, " Well... you don't have to deal directly with the problem for much longer" was not what I needed to hear. I just wanted a little bit of support. I only needed her to tell me that if I had to, I could call her, or that she was behind me on this one. It would be so much easier if I wasn't doing this by myself.

I honestly don't know where I'm going with this. I'm not writing this for anyone but myself, in the hopes that putting this out there in the world will make it less like a nightmare that can only be changed by waking up, and more like a problem that I can solve with objective reasoning and logic. If you're reading this, don't misunderstand it as a cry for pity. I don't need that, or even your sympathy. If you're reading this, take the time and ask someone close to you how they are doing, really. Ask them if they need help. Everyone needs help sometimes, but not everyone is good at asking for it.

I'm going to be ok, I know I am. I'm tough and this will make me tougher.

My favorite quotation is this: Your journey has molded you for your greater good. It was exactly what it needed to be. Don't think that you've lost time. It took each and every situation to bring you to the now, and now is right on time.