It has been months since I posted anything. My life has gone through the most dramatic shifts you can imagine. In May when I last published anything, I had intended to keep the world updated on the crazy new life I was about to lead.
I didn't. Obviously. To recap, I lived in Atlanta and then Miami, and then Atlanta again, and now I call Minneapolis home. The whole experience was surreal. It was not entirely unlike studying abroad, especially if I had participated in a more traditional program with other Americans. I was living and working and going out with the same people for six months. It was a reality show all in its own right. The anger, the stress, the grudges, alliances and hookups all compressed into six months, one apartment complex, and what ended up being 12 people.
I miss them, even the ones I really don't especially care to see again.
I'm living alone now. This is the first time in my entire life that I am living alone, and most of the time it's nice. My apartment is all mine, the mess, the food, and the furniture. I own it, and I can make it whatever I want. I've always been good at entertaining myself, so I'm never bored; there are always at least 7 things I could or should be doing in any given moment. I love being busy and entertained, but I can feel myself getting more tense.
I keep trying to look at my symptoms in a logical manner; are they something that is caused by the weather or climate this time of year? Because one year ago I was facing the same anxiety... I remember laying on the heated floor in my bathroom, unable to breathe outside of hyperventilating. When I was in Atlanta, I was fine. I had three incidents, that's about one every two months instead of the two every one week I was having in Fargo. Is it the location? Did running away from my problems temporarily resolve them? Objectively, I am tense. My hands shake constantly and I'm dizzy, enough so that I've had to stop using the treadmill because I can't keep my balance. But that happens every winter. Logically speaking, I'm dizzy and therefore I'm tense. I'm tense, and therefore my muscles in general are tired and my hands shake. Being tired has made me more susceptible to emotional viruses, those unpleasant feelings and ideas that worm their way through busyness and motivation to make me feel like I'm splintering. Or maybe I just yearn for warmer climates.
The major benefit to being here in Minneapolis is the phenomenal support system I have here. I know people all over the world, but this really is the place where the people who know my secrets live. I try to put into words what these people mean to me, and I simply can't. I am specifically thinking of Michael. There have been so many times where I call, on the verge of losing it, and he will sit and talk to me until I calm down. I never need to invent a reason to call. I just pick up the phone and always know that he will be the park bench to my bustling city center. There's no way I can ever really express to him what he's done for me over the years. If it weren't for him, my life would be very different.
